My scale/my friend

Since I’ve been in recovery from Food Addiction, I have used a kitchen scale to weigh my food. It had become obvious through much ‘research’ that I had no idea how much food is considered a “normal” portion for someone my size. I’d tried all my life to eat what I thought was normal. If it was peas and spinach, and I was eight years old, it was humungous and I wasn’t going to touch it. I’d lock my teeth closed, my lips fastened tight, daring my parents to force me to eat what I didn’t want to eat. They did and time spent at the dining room table often ended in useless power struggles that I always lost. Inevitably tears were shed, misery ensued, and sun set on another unhappy evening meal in the Somers’ household. The kitchen would be closed but I would sneak back up, and trying to make myself as quiet as a mouse, I would raid the freezer for ice cream, and gorge until I could no longer feel the hurt and pain of losing yet another food struggle with the powers that be.

So it turns out, scales were invented for people like me who needed boundaries set for them–what a concept for a food addict who knew nothing about boundaries or limits or how to take care of oneself. When I was first instructed to use a scale to measure my meals and not rely on my eyes, I felt DEEP shame. What I heard people say to me was: that I was ‘broken’, ‘defective’, ‘unfixable’–I completely misunderstood that someone was trying to help me. That I was being told that I was human, imperfect like all humans, and had a problem that was easy to fix if I would accept that there were tools to help me seemed impossible to grok. I was so used to being called names, shamed, not doing things right that I just assumed it was happening again.

I do not endorse any particular scale. This is just a photo of one that I found

I was wrong. I’ve been wrong about a lot of things as I’ve learned how to recover from a food addiction, as I’ve learned how to use whatever works to turn one’s life around. Many of the things I’ve had to learn have been hard work, but using a scale to weigh my food was easy. I just had to get over the hang up of thinking everyone else was looking at me, and that no one else in the world ever used help to obtain something they wanted. Other food addicts in recovery made suggestions for favorite scales but I had to do my own research. In the end, I found one that I could put my plate on and never have to take it off especially if I was at a restaurant. I wanted one that had numbers that lit up so if a room was darker than I was used to, I didn’t have to do contortion acts to see how much something weighed. In other words, I wanted a scale that made my life easy and guaranteed that I could protect my abstinence from eating MORE!!!

I began to think of my scale as a Higher Power of sorts. It was between me (sanity) and that first compulsive bite (my disease). I was so proud to have something that I could use, and it turns out most people never see my scale unless I bring attention to it, and that works 100% of the time keeping me in a normal size body. I mean really!! Only another addict would say, think, or observe “Surely you could make it harder on yourself!”

True story: I was having dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant in San Francisco years ago. As usual, I put my dinner plate on my scale and kept it there. At the end of the meal, as we stood up to leave, the waiter came up to me and, in a most respectful voice, said “I really admire that you bring your own plate warmer. It keeps the food perfect for you.”

It’s been a long time since I have been using my scale (actually scales. I have travel scales also that are much lighter and I keep small scales in convenient places so that I don’t have to go looking). Over the years, It’s become instinctual to look for my scale before prepping my meal. I don’t mind at all if someone asks me what it is and what I’m doing. I’m so happy to assure people that there is a solution for food addiction and this is something that works for me.

I am no longer ashamed of who I am. Other people have cancer, have all sorts of problems. This is mine. It’s my responsibility to learn how to live with it successfully in the world. My disease stole a lot of my life. That time is over.

Join me. Find the scale of your dreams and post it on this site,

Here’s to recovery!!!

Sara

Hooked

Here in France, we are lucky enough to be able to watch Christiane Amanpour on CNN. The other night, there was an interview with the journalist Michael Moss. He has written a book entitled Hooked: Food, Free Will, and How the Food Giants Exploit Our Addictions. The book was launched March 2nd and already is a best seller.

From Amazon: “Moss uses the latest research on addiction to uncover what the scientific and medical communities—as well as food manufacturers—already know: that food, in some cases, is even more addictive than alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs. Our bodies are hardwired for sweets, so food giants have developed fifty-six types of sugar to add to their products, creating in us the expectation that everything should be cloying; we’ve evolved to prefer fast, convenient meals, hence our modern-day preference for ready-to-eat foods. Moss goes on to show how the processed food industry—including major companies like Nestlé, Mars, and Kellogg’s—has tried not only to evade this troubling discovery about the addictiveness of food but to actually exploit it. For instance, in response to recent dieting trends, food manufacturers have simply turned junk food into junk diets, filling grocery stores with “diet” foods that are hardly distinguishable from the products that got us into trouble in the first place. As obesity rates continue to climb, manufacturers are now claiming to add ingredients that can effortlessly cure our compulsive eating habits.” 

Any food addict who is in recovery from their addiction, will tell you, “I knew something was up. Food addiction is real. But this just validates everything we already knew. Now maybe big bucks will fight for us the way the tobacco industry was brought down.”

I’m very grateful that this journalist (he also wrote a book called Salt, Sugar, Fat, his first foray into the Giant Food business. The book won the Pulitzer Prize). I have not yet read Hooked but from the two interviews I’ve heard, it seems he is far more believable than those of us dying from food addiction.

I’m going to let others who have read the book speak. I want to get the word out that this book exists and not wait until I have finished reading it. So forgive me for quoting other voices.

From the New York Times: “And, wow, are the hard-wired instincts to eat these foods powerful — more so than those that push us toward addictive drugs like heroin and nicotine. Even seeing the pictures of certain foods can cause us to salivate. In unforgettable language, Moss describes how less than a second after you bite into a luscious chocolate or a glazed doughnut, flavor sensations derived from a combination of sugar and fat, as well as other smells and tastes, hit your brain, interact with memories and release a flood of neurotransmitters that stimulate and perpetuate fundamental cravings.

To trick us to eat more they also lure us in with low prices, dazzling packaging, convenience and trumped-up variety. One example among many: Differently colored M&M’s taste the same but dupe our brains to consume more than if they were all just brown. Perhaps most cunningly, Big Food has also acquired many major brands of processed diet foods like Weight Watchers and Lean Cuisine. One has to admit it’s clever to make money helping us get fat and then profit from our efforts (usually futile) to lose weight.” https://www.nytimes.com/2021/03/12/books/review/hooked-michael-moss.html

A portrait of Michael Moss, a New York Times investigative reporter who was awarded the Pulitzer Prize in 2010 for explanatory reporting and is the author of the best seller, ‘Salt Sugar Fat’, New York, August 8, 2013. Moss has been a reporter for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, New York Newsday and the Wall Street Journal.

From NPR: “Addiction is a spectrum, Moss says. Not every person with substance abuse disorder experiences tolerance — which is the need for more and more of the substance to feel its effects — or intense withdrawal symptoms. Some people, scientists have learned, are affected only mildly. The early part of the book is helpful for reframing addiction in this way but, even so, does it make sense to talk about addiction to processed foods as one would about addition to tobacco or heroin?

Moss says yes.

Repetitive behavior that’s difficult to quit and that causes harm — the most accurate definition of addiction — accurately describes what many of us experience when it comes to highly processed foods. In the U.S., the turn towards overeating these foods occurred in the early 1980s, and the subsequent rise in conditions like hypertension, heart disease, cancer and diabetes is linked to it.” https://www.npr.org/2021/03/03/972747664/there-are-so-many-flavors-of-potato-chips-hooked-looks-at-why

From the San Francisco Chronicle: “To define the term “addiction,” Moss quotes a now-retired Philip Morris CEO who called it “a repetitive behavior that some people find difficult to quit.” Drawing parallels between Big Food and Big Tobacco, Moss relates how both industries manipulate our cravings for profit.

“Hooked” leads us into laboratories and courtrooms, kitchens and legislatures, and threads the complex and contentious arguments at the intersection of personal responsibility and corporate liability. The story opens with a Brooklyn teenager who, because of a daily diet of Big Macs, sodas, shakes and fries, is morbidly obese. She’s one of the first plaintiffs in what would become a series of lawsuits holding fast-food companies responsible for personal injury through the design of their products.

If knowledge is power, then” Hooked”  provides the facts we need to free ourselves from remaining unwitting conspirators in Big Food’s ruse. For too long, we’ve allowed this industry to exploit all the ways we’re drawn to their health-damaging products.

“Wrestling free of an addiction requires us to give up something that came to define our lives,” Moss writes. This is hard, he admits. “Enticement is the calculated business of those who make and sell processed food. They have nearly endless resources in knowing our vulnerabilities.” https://datebook.sfchronicle.com/books/review-in-hooked-how-big-tobacco-and-big-food-are-alike

Do you need more information to draw your own conclusion? Here from Publishers Weekly: “Food is a drug, and its manufacturers are tempting consumers into addiction, according to this contentious exposé by Pulitzer-winning journalist Moss (Salt Sugar Fat).” https://www.publishersweekly.com/978-0-8129-9729-3

Most of you who suffer from the same disease that I do probably don’t need to read the book to know that what Moss has written about is true. We have lived it. So just know that the proof is starting to roll out to the world at large. There is sugar in everything, and it is there on purpose. Even your Weight Watchers bar that has x amount of points has the addictive sugar in it. If science is your thing, you will love this book. It is easy to read.

The main idea in the book is: Kick the sugar…..forever. Don’t take a vacation from abstaining from it. Don’t think of it as cheating–who are you cheating? I, personally, am of the belief that if I were to eat sugar today, I don’t know if I could kick it again. I believe it is that addictive and now I know that the ante has been upped 1000%.

How serious is Food Addiction?

Anyone that has suffered from food addiction, has lived in the hell of not being able to stop bingeing or has been starving themselves for weeks on end, looks in the mirror and sees a fat person, can tell you ‘This is serious.”  But the diet industry will have you believe that the answer is simple: Just cut back on your food intact until you reach your goal weight and then you can eat like a “lady” or a “gentleman”.  I believed that for years.  And because it never worked for me, I also was deeply ashamed, thought I was a complete failure and not worth the ground I walked on.

What a relief it was for me to learn that food addiction is a disease, a serious disease, and requires a serious, some would say radical, solution.  If you had lung cancer, no one would tell you the solution is to just not go around smokers.  If you do that long enough, the cancer will go away, and then you can live your life normally again. Lung cancer requires some serious steps: probably surgery, maybe chemotherapy, maybe radiation.  These solutions will upset your life for a long time and you won’t like it and you’ll be uncomfortable.  I don’t know anyone who would say ‘well I don’t like that solution so I’m not going to do it.’

But when faced with a serious life and death disease like true food addiction, the addict will decide the future of their life on whether they like the solution or not. There is a quote at the back of the text of Alcoholics Anonymous commonly called the Big Book that says “There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance—that principle is contempt prior to investigation.”—Herbert Spencer

That is what I practiced for the first half of my life.  If I didn’t like the solution, I would decide it wouldn’t work for me.  I’d feel sorry for you that you must do something hard but not me, oh no!  So, what I was really deciding was that the pain and misery and total hell of bingeing and loneliness of my eating was better than trying something that works for others but I was too scared to try for myself.  And they say there is an insanity about the addict!!!! 

The thing that differentiates an eating disorder/food addiction from someone who has gained weight over Christmas and needs to lose it again is all the crazy thinking, the absolute unwillingness to let go of faulty thinking and self-abusive behaviors.  It is why so many people are successful dieters and then gain all their weight back plus more.  They haven’t changed any of their thinking and behaviors.

So how do you know if you are a food addict? Any program that says they are treating food addiction will usually/hopefully ask you a series of questions.  I went on-line, typed in ‘quiz for compulsive eaters‘ and clicked the first one that was listed.  These were the four questions asked:

  • Do you have episodes where you eat more than what most people would eat in the same time period?
  • Do you experience any distress around your eating, including guilt, shame or regret?
  • Do you often sneak food or eat alone due to embarrassment over what or how you are eating?
  • Do you feel like your eating is out of control?

I suspect that most of you don’t need to take the test to diagnose yourself.  I believe only you can diagnose you.  Others can have opinions based on knowing you but you know the truth about yourself. I also believe that you won’t get the appropriate help until you can admit to yourself what the truth is.

What I write here is my opinion. I don’t speak for any Food Addiction program or any diagnostic tool. I speak from my own experience of living in the disease and in recovery. While living in the disease made me ‘an expert’ on nutrition (I probably owned fifty or more nutrition books before I finally broke down and accepted that what was wrong with me was a lot worse than a nutrition problem), living in the solution has made me a thorough researcher on the disease of Food Addiction/Compulsive Eating.

After writing my book Saving Sara A Memoir of Food Addiction(She Writes Press, 2020), I am using this space to try and bring education, an alternate voice to the world of ‘losing weight’ and eating disorders. I say all this because everything I know about myself and all the stories that have been shared with me underscore my belier that Food Addiction is very serious and, untreated, has the power to kill. It killed Mama Cass. It killed Karen Carpenter. It has killed six friends of mine.

If you think you might suffer from food addiction, do your own research. Go to GreySheeters Anonymous and just listen to the people share. Or go to the GSA YouTube channel and listen to a fifteen minute share. Only you can diagnose you.

To your physical and emotional health,

Sara

Is sugar addiction less “real” than alcohol addiction?

I recently received an e-mail from an AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) related app entitled Why are Sugar Addiction and Alcohol Addiction similar. I was really pleased as alcoholics, in general, are quite resistant to accepting the idea that sugar addiction is real. For one thing, it’s recommended in many places in the AA literature that newly sober alcoholics eat sugar to calm down their alcohol cravings. Many meetings have sugary treats next to the coffee for just that reason.

The e-mail went through some of the brain chemistry that is similar in both addictions. But then said “sugar does not alter the brain exactly like alcohol and drugs,” but that it can cause chaos. By the end of the article, it implied that yes, one does need sugar to get through the alcohol cravings but that it is important not to become dependant on sugar. “AA recognizes that having some candy or an energy drink is a better option than relapsing into one’s addiction.” So, in the end, even though the title gave me hope, it was just another article saying sugar is not nearly the killer alcohol is and that one should control it and not become dependant.

I am a recovering alcoholic. I’m a recovering food addict. I would never say that one is more ‘real’ than the other. But it is much harder to get totally abstinent from sugar intake (I’m including carbs and anything that turns to sugar quickly in the body), fructose and dextrose intake than it is to get sober from alcohol. As I sit in AA meetings, I look around me and the percentage of overweight and obese people in meetings is roughly the same as in the US in general. In other words, it’s high. Are alcoholics so resistant to admitting that food addiction is real because they don’t really want to look at themselves and tackle another addiction? I don’t know the answer, I only have opinions.

I do know that I am often asked the question “What do you do when you want to celebrate your birthday or get married or it’s Valentine’s Day?” I think the underlying question is, ‘Is it possible to have fun and celebrate without food, especially sugar?’ I find that question very, very interesting. In my life, eating a birthday cake was never fun. The sight of it would trigger my compulsion and, of course, I would eat a piece and then, when I thought no one was looking, I’d eat the whole thing. I never found that fun. By my thirties, the sight of that kind of sugar caused me to stop breathing and want to disappear. Until I discovered the twelve-step programs, I thought I was the only person in the world who was terrified of a piece of cake yet couldn’t not eat it. I thought I was possessed. I remember seeing a “Star Trek” movie when I was in my thirties. The bad guys put some kind of horrible insect or animal into a good guys ear. Once inside, it killed the person by eating all his insides. To me that was real. I was sure that something evil had entered my being, possessed me and I couldn’t stop bingeing, couldn’t say No to anything that had sugar, grains or refined carbohydrates in it.

That was me for years and years and years. As a friend of mine told me after she got abstinent from sugar, grains and carbos, “I was just lying on the couch waiting to die.” I wrote Saving Save A Memoir of Food Addiction because it has been many, many years since I was held hostage by my food addiction. I strongly feel that if I can do it, anyone can do it. I found a twelve-step program called GreySheeters Anonymous that works for me because it is so much like Alcoholics Anonymous. It is a No Matter What program. We don’t eat those poisons no matter what. It isn’t the answer for everyone but for people like me who thrive with structure, need boundaries because I broke every one that was ever imposed on me. My hope is that my story will resonate with others. One woman who read my book and then went to a meeting with me, said “I didn’t know people talked out loud about things like this. I thought I was the only one.” There is hope for people like me. There is a solution. Don’t ever give up.

Christmas 2020

My 16th Christmas abstaining from sugar and grains has passed. As far as food was concerned, it was just another day. Christmas, as a season, can be full of wonder and full of stress. I’ve always loved the lights that sparkle and entertain as the nights grow longer. I love the music and carols. But when I was growing up, all that was overshadowed by the stress of the family getting together.

For me, the stress of Christmas drove me towards the foods I’m allergic to: sugar and grains. Each year I’d vow that “this Christmas it will be different.” But, each Christmas, as stress grew, I turned to sugar and immediately I’d feel possessed by something I didn’t understand and was terrified of.

Then a miracle happened. At the age of 57, I realised, without a doubt, that my bingeing wasn’t normal. That when it comes to food and my relationship to certain foods, I am not normal in any way. I would eat and binge like an alcoholic drinks. Since I was 35 years old, I had been told I had an allergy to sugar, grains and certain carbohydrates. My body simply will not process them. If I put them in my body, it sets off a craving just as if I was alcoholic. When a relief to finally accept that that is who I am and not keep banging my head bloody up against a brick wall trying to be someone I’m not.

Today, I can say with gratitude, that I have had 16 wonderful Christmases because I don’t eat those substances. Even this year when so many of us are still in lockdown, I have enjoyed the music, the lights and the Zoom get togethers.

You can get Saving Sara at http://www.bookshop.org or amazon or anywhere you like to buy books.

If you think you might be like me, please read my book: Saving Sara A Memoir of Food Addiction. If you identify with my story, you may need a solution like mine–a spiritual program that doesn’t cost anything. Where we help each other never, ever to put, what for us, is ‘poison’ in our bodies. GreySheeters Anonymous. http://www.greysheet.org

Is it ok to eat like a “normie” on Thanksgiving?

In the world of food addiction, Thanksgiving is just another Thursday where the food is concerned.  For me, it’s a day to look around and say ‘Thanks’.  Since I no longer binge and I no longer eat massive amounts of sugar or carbos or grains, I now have the bandwidth in between my ears to have a day of true Thanks Giving.  A day when I can say with all my heart how grateful I am that I live in the solution and never ever have to binge again.  A day when I can say with all my heart how grateful I am to have the willingness to do everything I need to do to show that I care enough about myself to work hard not to engage in self-abusive behaviors that drove me deeper and deeper into food hell.

Normally, this is a lethal time of year.  Starting with Halloween, then Thanksgiving, then all the Christmas parties, then Christmas itself and finally New Year’s Eve.  At every single one of those occasions, there is always an over-abundance of food.  Does that mean we have to eat as everyone else does?  Does that mean we aren’t celebrating if we say No to foods and alcohol that will hurt us?  These are loaded questions with difficult answers.  Most people I know want to belong.  Whether to a family, to a close organization, somewhere that they know they can let their hair down. So many of us have grown up thinking of food as love.  “If I eat everything at Thanksgiving, I belong.  I’m home and I know I’m loved.”  

For some people that may be true.  There is a joke amongst recovering food addicts: Thanksgiving is amateur day for normal eaters. Everyone overeats. But not everyone pays the price of triggering the phenomenon of craving. Not everyone starts with Thanksgiving and can’t stop bingeing until they wake up on January 2nd determined to start yet another diet. We food addicts are different. We will never be normal eaters and therefore Thanksgiving and the rest of these holidays have to be about something else. About being with family, about knowing what works well in your life and saying thank you to the universe.  It just takes practice.  One holiday at a time.

This year, nothing is normal. It’s all different.  Here in France, ex-Pats do celebrate Thanksgiving but we won’t this year.  We are in lockdown and no one I know would risk exposing someone they love to the possibility of getting sick with Covid-19. In the US, I’m hearing that more and more states and cities are entering lockdown.  New Mexico went into lockdown today. One thing both Covid-19 and food addiction have in common—they don’t take vacations.  We can’t let up on our vigilance of either disease just because it’s a special day.  Wanting to belong to your family has to take a backseat to true love and telling them that we aren’t celebrating in person this year and let’s brainstorm how we can celebrate. On-line? Zoom? FaceTime.

This Too Shall Pass. We all have the opportunity to wake up January 2nd and not be vowing to diet and not have the deadly Covid disease. To do that, we have to expand our imagination.  We have to put our heads together and ask each other “How do we celebrate? Do we celebrate? Maybe we wait and have Christmas in July?” There are as many answers as there are people.

So to all of you I say: You don’t have to eat foods that will ultimately kill you.  You can provide yourself with an abundant delicious meal on Thanksgiving and any day.  You can stay “sober” and truly let the people you love know how much you love them. You can walk through the holiday season, one step at a time, one day at a time without engaging in self-abuse. This is the Holiday Challenge.  Can I love myself as much as I love others?

Let me know how you are doing? Please write some encouraging words to other compulsive eaters and let them know they are not alone.

Until next time,

Sara

“Now that I don’t binge, I have more time to read.”

Email from a reader:

Food addiction is REAL. Sweet foods are potentially more addictive than heroin or cocaine. It’s going to take more than 50 years to reverse the tide of the global obesity pandemic. How do I know this? Well – years of personal experience as a food addict and sugar junkie apart, over the last few months I have been reading Brownell and Gold’s Book “Food and Addiction”. I sit down and read it for fifteen minutes each day over my delicious abstinent (for me, being abstinent is not eating sugar, grains or starchy foods, eating only three meals a day and I do this every day without exception) breakfast. The book is subtitled “A comprehensive handbook” but it is so much more than that. This book is an extensive academic research compendium laid out as a series of academic papers (two columns per page, Vancouver-style referencing) containing 66 articles in seven parts. 

This may sound off-putting to the casual reader but in reality, this is one of the most compelling and fascinating books I have read for a long time. And it’s one of the few books that I have ever read that – when I had finished reading it – made me want to turn back to page 1 and re-read the whole book again!

The sections take the reader on a journey – starting with the neuro-anatomy, neuro-biology and psychology of addiction, through to clinical approaches to and implications of addiction and obesity via research on food and addiction and ending up with public health approaches and legal and policy implications for the global obesity pandemic.

This book’s great strength is its impartiality. There are so many other books out there about the gut, diet, just about any food group….…. as a food addict  struggling to control my compulsive behaviour around food I have read many of them, and I always feel slightly uneasy that the author is only really representing the research that supports their hypothesis and the inevitable “eating plan that is going to change your life” at the end.

In this book, if there is no research then that is not ignored or padded out with some obscure paper reporting small numbers.  It is just stated.  Where a food addiction research vacuum exists, there is discussion as to how the available research might apply to food addiction and what further research needs to be done.

So – what did I learn in reading this book? Several key themes emerged:

1–There is an awful lot of very elegant research that has been carried out on sugar, addictive behaviour, reward neuro-circuitry, how these interact and what influences them. OK – so much of the research for that was carried out on mice but – bearing in mind we share 60% of our DNA with a banana – mouse behaviour and brain structure ain’t that far away from humans – especially around behaviour as fundamental as reward, addiction and food intake regulation. Where comparisons are possible, the human research is clearly analogous to what they are finding in rats and mice. 

2–The idea that a lot of our reward circuitry is hard wired not only from a young age but also during fetal life made a great deal of sense to me. Hell – if  whale blubber or mammoth is/was the only item on the menu, and that’s all your Mom ate when you were in her womb – then you had better be born with a preference for the major food source in your community. It’s simple survival.

3–The concept of control of weight and body shape through delicate and intricate internal balancing (homeostatic) mechanisms which have evolved over millennia versus loss of control of weight and body shape through hedonistic (pleasure) eating – particularly highly refined carbohydrates and sugar was a new concept for me. Since food is needed for survival, it is likely to have complex and interconnected mechanisms for making sure that we are motivated to find food, remember those sources and to protect them. This all takes place in the parts of our brain associated with reward, emotion, and memory, to say nothing of the feedback via the enormous communication highway that exists between our brain, our gut and our gut bacteria. 

4–We are hard wired to like sweet flavours. Sweet foods are more likely to be energy dense – which is clearly advantageous when life was hard and food was seasonal and scarce – but does not serve us well in our current food environment. Imagine – millennia of evolving higher functions around eating for survival laid waste by just reaching out and putting a single tub of Ben and Jerry’s in my shopping basket!!

5–The food/sugar lobby is more powerful than the tobacco lobby and we have to eat. There is evidence that the food/sugar corporations are using the same tactics that the tobacco lobbies used back in the day so I expect that it will take as long, if not longer, if ever, for per capita obesity levels to show a similar fall to tobacco consumption (Figure 1). 

Figure 1:  Adult per capita cigarette consumption and major smoking and health events – US, 1900 – 2017. Sources: Adapted from Warner 1985 with permission from Massachusetts Medical Society, © 1985; U.S. Department of Health and Human Services 1989; Creek et al. 1994; U.S. Department of Agriculture 2000; U.S. Census Bureau 2017; U.S. Department of the Treasury 2017.  

So – why did I read this book? As a recovered alcoholic and food addict I wanted to explore more about the dis-ease that I suffer from. Coming from a scientific/academic sort of mindset and being a bit of a nerd, this book appealed to me on many different levels. But even for those that don’t have that  background, this is a great book for just dipping into when the interest takes you.

It helped me to understand my part in my story and also to understand more clearly why this dis-ease wasn’t just going to go away after a few months of eating abstinently. It also helps me to accept myself as a person whose brain just happens to be wired in a different way – a way that makes me prone to addiction and addictive behaviour……. but also a way that qualifies me for a life in addiction recovery and all the benefits and rewards that that brings. 

Susanna R

Oxford University Press, 2012

What was it like?

A reader asked me, “What was it like when you first gave up sugar and grains?” For me, as a food addict, I stopped putting poison in my system. I didn’t completely understand what was happening, but it certainly was very disruptive to my physical being and my life. I’d say I was detoxing which can be both emotionally and physically painful. I was (sometimes still am) an instant gratification person so the desire to stop the pain was intense. All my life I’d used sugar and grains to numb myself from pain. The people I now had to turn to for guidance said, “you are very, very vulnerable right now. Take good care. Protect yourself.” I really didn’t want to be living in hell anymore so I said ‘No’ to most invitations. I wanted the support and encouragement of my friends but, truthfully, it’s very difficult to understand why anyone would go to the lengths I was going unless they also were a food addict and had lived in the hell I had lived in.

It was not so different from learning a new language and the best way to do that is total immersion. I didn’t have the money to put myself into a treatment center and, in the end, it was me who was responsible for my own health and sanity. I had to create a similar atmosphere of immersion so that most of my days would be surrounded by the love and encouragement of the people who had gone before me. That included meetings, phone calls, walks with other recovering food addicts, going to others’ homes and weighing my food with them. Being around others who would love me until I learned to love myself.

Being around beings who love you exactly as you are.

Each thing I contemplated doing outside of this initial time of detoxing and learning the ins and outs of eating healthily without sugar and grains, I had to consider carefully. It wasn’t in my nature to think ahead and to be totally honest how I would respond to certain situations. An example of this was a cruise I had signed up for. A group of friends and I were going to fly to Russia and take a cruise up the Volga to St. Petersburg. It was fun planning it and I was looking forward to it. Then my sponsor asked me how I was going to deal with the food. Well, I hadn’t even thought about it. Not one member of our group was in a Twelve Step program. No one was sure if we would have any WiFi and I probably couldn’t make any phone calls so it was certain I would be out of contact with all my support. Because it was a Russian cruise line, it took me almost two months to get through to someone who could tell me about the food. By that time, there was only about three weeks until we were to leave. I was told that there was one seating an evening and only one choice for a meal. If I cancelled I’d lose my deposit. I started going back and forth in my head. On the one hand, I was trying to rationalise why it would be ok if I went, I’d be fine–even though left alone without support, it had never been fine before. My GSA program was urging caution and “when in doubt, leave it out.” No one said ‘Don’t go’. I made myself crazy trying to fit something I really wanted to do into a hole that it wouldn’t fit in. I didn’t want to lose the deposit. Finally my sponsor said, “What if you lost your abstinence and ate sugar and grains. You likely would binge because that is your history. How much money do you think you would spend on bingeing before you were able to get home?” That was pretty convincing. I could easily see myself terrified and desolate and paying top dollar for an early flight back to California. In the end, it would cost many times more than the $500 deposit. So I cancelled and have never regretted that decision.

My friends didn’t really understand. The average person thinks it’s a matter of will power and knowledge. I had tons of knowledge about food, nutrition, psychology, behavior and I was very wilful. None of that helped me deal with my food addiction.

I have a spiritual disease, an emptiness, that only a spiritual solution can heal. What I had to do during those first days and months of abstaining from sugar and grains, my friends in recovery call Radical Self-Care. Many people grow into adulthood knowing these caretaking things. Addicts don’t. In the quest to feed the habit, many important skills do not develop.

Next week: What are these new friends like, the people I had to depend on for my life and sanity?

Have a great week and plan ahead,

Sara

Withdrawal

“Withdrawal occurs once a person stops eating any addictive food. Though abstaining from foods is a contentious subject in the scientific literature, there is no question that it will cause a level of discomfort that often drives addicts back to eating… Feelings of deprivation, obsessions about food, and anxiety arising from unresolved trauma that was being ‘medicated’ by the addictive foods may appear like spectres that linger, worsening before they get better… It may seem that life without one’s comfort foods is simply not worth living. Even problematic eating is seen as better than feeling bereft to the point of suicidal thoughts. But others might find the symptoms so common they are not even recognizable as withdrawal… The good news is that detoxification is not a long process; it only lasts for a relatively short period – between one week and four weeks… Cheating by having a bite here or a spoonful there is also an excellent way to suffer withdrawal in perpetuity. Withdrawal will not end if the substance is constantly being reintroduced back into the brain reward pathway.” 
― Vera Tarman, Food Junkies: Recovery from Food Addiction

Some people who believe they are food addicts and let go of the substances that make us sick: sugar, grains and refined carbos, are completely surprised and shocked by how bad the detoxing and withdrawal process is. Even smart, well educated people with knowledge of food addiction, seem taken by surprise at the discomfort. The discomfort can be great. The physical detoxing can last anywhere from three to twenty-one days. But the emotional withdrawal can last a long time. We know that drug addicts and alcoholics go through bad times. Withdrawal symptoms can include severe anxiety, headaches, sadness, anger, sweating, shaking, disorientation and depression. Why are we so surprised that sugar and grains do the same thing. I think it’s because most of us come from a diet mentality. It’s just food and we go without until we reach our goal weight. Then we are told we can have all those foods back. After all, we’ve earned it! So clearly, they aren’t bad, just give them up for awhile until we get down to a weight we like.

WRONG! That might be true for non-food addicts. They can give up those sugary foods, using willpower, and then not abuse them once they lose the weight. But not us food addicts. Those ingredients are like putting poison in our system. Enough of it for a long time and they will kill us. Strong words I know. The truth is it’s so much easier never to eat those substances than give them up, take them back, give them up, take them back. As Dr. Tarman says “Withdrawal will not end if the substance is constantly being re-introduced back into the brain reward pathway.”

I believe this is why addicts cannot get sober or abstinent on their own. The opposite of addiction is connection. We take away something from our bodies that it is habituated to and it leaves a big hole. We have to fill it with something or we won’t last through the withdrawal. The best (and cheapest) way to fill that hole is to find other recovering food addicts. Talk to them, find out how they got through painful times. They will tell you. They will also tell you to make wonderful meals, to love your food. There is no deprivation in letting go of sugar and grains. When was the last time you felt joyously happy after bingeing on sugar? What’s left without those foods? An abundance of fresh vegetables, fresh fruits, fish, chicken, beef or, if you are vegan, other proteins.

Look into the Twelve-Step programs. There are a number of food programs. The worse the food addiction, the more structure one needs. Find out what the community of people are like. Are they happy, in recovery and can tell you about it? Do they reach out to you because they know how you are suffering? Because they’ve been there and know what you are going through? Those are the people you want to surround yourself with. People who can say “I did and you can to.” Yes, sometimes the pain gets worse before it gets better. Do you remember pulling a splinter out of your foot? It always hurts more for a short time. There is a hole there and the air is getting in. Soon it will close up and the body, our magnificent bodies, will heal the wound.

Getting rid of the poison we put in our bodies is worth the short time pain. Then you have the possibility for a life full of other things than obsessing about food. And you get to have different problems just like normal people and not the same problem over and over and over–how to stop eating?

Have you been through withdrawal? Write me and let me know how it was for you.

Sara

What Exactly is Withdrawal: https://foodaddictionresearch.org/question-and-answer/what-is-withdrawal/

Is Food withdrawal a real thing?: https://health.usnews.com/wellness/articles/2017-01-03/is-food-withdrawal-a-real-thing

Food Addiction: Consideration of Detox & Withdrawal Symptoms: https://www.addictionhope.com/blog/food-addiction-withdrawal-detox/

One person’s story

In the April issue of Recovery Today magazine, p.46 “Confessions of a down and dirty, rock bottom food addict.” Their title not mine. But it says what it needs to say.

I got sober on June 1, 1998. I was an alcoholic, but alcohol wasn’t my bottom line addiction. Food was. I was a down and dirty, rock bottom food addict who couldn’t ingest sugar and grains in either liquid or hard form. I first went to AA in an effort to learn what the 12-step programs were all about, after coming from Overeaters Anonymous where I had been dazed and confused.

I was so ashamed of my food addiction that I never spoke of it to my sponsor or friends. In private,I tried to make AA solve my food issues. Such an irony: I knew that AA was a WE program, that connectedness was the antithesis to addiction. I knew that telling like-minded people how I’d used and abused my drugs of choice brought it all out in the open, gave me another 24 hours to keep the disease at bay. But my shame of eating, of my body, was so huge that I found it impossible to share with others. In my memoir, Saving Sara: A Memoir of Food AddictionI once and for all detail how my food addiction progressed and became more unmanageable over the years. I found OA in 1979 but was too arrogant to let go and try it someone else’s way. Then I was introduced to  GreySheeters Anonymous in 1983. I knew immediately it was the solution I had been looking for. But being a hard core addict, hard- wired to do self-destructive things, I felt sure that I could fix myself on my own.

It took me another twenty-six years to crawl back to a GSA meeting, broken and beaten up.I was seven years sober at that time. I had been sitting in AA meetings wondering why I wasn’t happy, joyous and free. I had done the steps a number of times. But I always kept my dirty secret to myself: I couldn’t stop binge eating. Now, fifteen years later, I have been abstaining from sugar, grains and refined carbs. It helped to accept that I could only deal with food addiction with other food addicts. No matter how much my AA friends loved me, since they didn’t eat like I did, I felt they couldn’t understand. On top of community, what GreySheeters Anonymous gave to me was structure. If I did what my sponsor said, I had a good chance of arresting the bingeing. I weighed my food at every meal and ate the same amounts as the day before. GSA knew I had a life and death disease and that was what the GSA boundaries treated. Since food addiction isn’t discussed as often in our society, I hope Saving Sara will open the door for much needed conversations to arise.

To pre-order the book: https://www.amazon.com/Saving-Sara-Memoir-Food-Addiction-ebook/dp/B07VBKZK3Y/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3NEQDD6UPIVF4&dchild=1&keywords=sara+somers&qid=1587045620&sprefix=Sara+Somers%2Caps%2C337&sr=8-1&fbclid=IwAR0tQzP3fs3RkgrH4LbL3TuNg-lqaUiuSLzWV-qK319S8PvCjZmziSNV9_U

As always, ask your questions, make comments, this is a blog for all of us

Sara